August 21st: the awkward return

It can be very intimidating to come back after a long while. I had started out with the intention of writing everyday but here I am after more than 4 months not of blogging. I wish that I was better at creating habits but it seems that this is not my strong suit. As an ENFP I apparently am very bad at creating a timetable and sticking with it. I keep trying to improve that side at me but l don't think it's that easy. Still, there is always room for improvement. When I go throughout my life i always hope that I can be self sufficient, that i can be enough for all my needs but that is nit my place. It's not up to me to keep the world spinning and to live like a well oiled machine, namely because I'm not a machine. Im an imperfect human. I like to be busy and to stay occupied so that i dont have to deal eith the rest of me, normally in life and TV we see that this type of lifestyle is never quite healthy or productive. We are the minds of people that work ourselves into a corner and then wonder where our lives have gone.  Where we went wrong. But that lifestyle focuses on self and stuff, not others and definitely not God. We need to focus on God to have a truly purposeful and meaningful life.

As a random side note, I got the new Galaxy Note7 and I am loving this phone. But it's always the new process of learning the ins and outs of a new phone and slowly signing into all of my old accounts. It's always a challenge to see if I can remember all of my passwords.

So anyways, here I am at church. I am listening to Pastor John talking about when the disciples have to act in faith when Jesus feeds the 5,000. God never gives us inadequate provisions for the struggles and needs in our lives. He give us enough to show us that HE IS ABLE to provide and sustain us. He loves to show off and be enough for us.

There's my take away. I will never be enough, but i dont have to be. And Thank God for that because I never feel like I'm enough to just function, He is the force that keeps me alive. That helps me to serve Him when I dont think I can.

Songs stuck in my head
This is what you came for - Calvin Harris
How Deep is Your Love - Bee Gees
Unchained melody - The Righteous Brothers

May 1st 2016: Long time no blog

As many of you may know. It's finals next week. The closers it gets the farther I dive deep into denial. It helps me deal with my anxiety to pretend that it's not happening so I can, in the long run, do better on my exams. At least that the strategy. I study no more or less than usual which gives me my easily achieved A-.

Currently I am in my least favorite class called Music History III listening to Cake by the Ocean by DNCE. I am obsessed with this song. It is a party on demand. I am a pop music lover to the core and will gladly jam out to the latest sheeple hits given that they aren't completely obscene and have a terrible life message.

Since no one really reads this blog but myself I will admit that lately I have really bored since I left my ex. Don't get me wrong,  I'd rather be single that with him again but I don't think single had to mean "alone".  I know that I am a serial monogomyst (is that a word?) and I tend to always want to be in mind term relationships. I mean,  it's never been in a relationship shorter than 9 months. The general length is 2 years. But feel inside I want to totally go for flings and short fun romances. However,  I know that in the long run I would just be sad and empty. I want someone that I can hold at night and really understand. I want a partner for life. So I try to restrain myself from being a hedonist for the greater good. Still,  even though it's my decision,  it didn't mean I wouldn't like otherwise.

And here comes finals week to remind me that I have no time to be thinking of such trivial things and to get my butt in gear. Meanwhile Netflix sensually calls my name.....

Currently listening to "Gave Me Something" by Jess Glynne.

Still in love with "Cake by the Ocean" by DNCE

April 10th 2016: Salty Flamingo

Sometimes staying awake can be hard. Especially in church. Not that I find it boring, I really find it fascinating. But for some reason, no matter how.much sleep I get, I start to nod off. I don't know if it's the warmth of the room or just sitting still for a long period of time but I am practically helpless.

All I can do to stay awake is keep my hands occupied. If I am trying or writing or playing a mindless game, it's all I need. But sadly, that tends to be frowned upon. All attention should be undivided. But I was never good all the following directions.

So anyways. About the Salty Flamingo. Last night I went to a paint class and had a blast. One of my girl friends invited me.out to paint and drink with her at a paint night event. It was pretty fun. We were supposed to paint a cosmo in a martini glass in front of a patchwork of color. It was all going according to plan but my background D had too many darker colors, so I decided I needed a bright yellow drink. But I also liked the pinky red color. So I made a two layer drink. Then for good measure I painted a lime on the rim with a salt rim. Needless to say my drink looked like a delicious thing that was asking to be consumed. At least, that's what the bartender thought anyway. So since he was ~so busy~ that night, he decided to try and recreate my drink. It was some sort of mixes strawberry puree drink in the bottom with a pineapple margarita on top finished off with a salt rim and a lime on top. It was surprisingly refreshing. He refused to tell me what exactly was in the drink but he did give it to me for free, which I appreciated. I decided to name it a Salty Flamingo because it was a pink and yellow drink that stands on one long leg and has salt on top. It seemed only logical. And this drink is forever dedicated to that night. So the name of my painting ended up being "Bobby Bizzarre and the Salty Flamingo". This name makes me happy.

So here I am the next day trying to stay awake despite not being the least bit tired. Here at church. Here at Calvary Chapel Green Valley. Listening to my pastor, John Knapp preaching on Ephesians. He is engaging and animated and even funny at times but here I am....trying to stay awake. I will never understand what it is about this sanctuary that makes me sleepy, but I need to bring this to my bedroom so I can fall asleep more easily.  Oh well.

Here's what we're going over today:

Psalm 66
Ephesians 1

They played a song that I love today.
Christ Be All Around Me

And here's the song that was stuck in my head yesterday:
Nico & Vin - Am I Wrong

April 7th 2016: I am a snowglobe

I am a snowglobe. This sentence may not make sense at this very moment but it is very accurate. At least for my creative side...and probably everyone else's as well. Here's what I mean.

I tend to get very complacent when everything is going well. There are no issues so therefore the fine particles of life will settle to the ground and create a nice clear picture of my current situation. A pretty, picturesque scene. Smiling faces or maybe even an iconic building or bridge will be contained within my perfect sphere. But was that the true intention of the designer of the snow globe? No! It was meant to be shaken, so that wherever you may be--even in the most unlikely of places--it will snow. The white and sometimes glittery particles will fly and swirl rather violently around the once peaceful atmosphere and it will bring forth organized chaos.

That is the metaphor for my creative spirit. If I am comfortable and happy, I have nothing to write about. Everything is great under the sun so why write? Enjoy the moment. But once something throws my merry-go-round out of whack my life transforms into a tilt-a-whirl of emotions and thoughts all ranging from joy, peace, and calm, to insecurity, anxiety, paranoia, and despair. There I can find myself searching for something to hold onto. Some simple thing that will anchor me to the ground. And usually that's a simple phrase. Something that will strike a chord within me and resonate. There is my inspiration. A sentence. I can build off of that and create a castle to house my negative thoughts and trap it inside. Once the project is finished I can release my creation into the world and the feelings behind it dissipate.

Now, that may not be a very logical way of dealing with my issues but it works like a charm. Soon all of my worries and doubts all fall back down into place creating a calm clearing. A clean slate to start afresh. But like it or not, a snow globe was never meant to be in a constant state of rest. Every once in awhile a curious passerby will just be dying to give it a shake.





Here's what i've been listening to today. No where near new and even a bit overplayed, but when I think of the songs that I listened to (and haven't posted already), this one is the only one that comes to mind.

Avicii - Hey Brother 

And maybe also this one

Calvin Harris - Blame ft. John Newman

April 6th 2016: The finality of it all

Is there a reason that I think about my death so often? Not in the macabre way that I am going to kill myself or I want to die but simply in the way that is resigned to the possibility that it could happen at any moment in time. I could be walking and trip and then suddenly be death and in heaven. I could be driving home, to work, to the doctor's office. If the Lord wanted to he could kill me while i'm taking my morning dump. What I'm saying is that I don't see the point of stressing so much over a finite life. Why not do the things you want and pursue your passions. If they are within your means then why not make those sacrifices and do them. No one ever said that impulsivity was a bad thing. Sure, it can lead you down some more interesting paths and sometimes you might find yourself in trouble but it doesn't always mean that it will ruin your life.

Sometimes being too cautious can be your downfall. You are so set on your plan and you don't want to stray from it that by the time you get to point B you see all of what could have been along the way. And what if, God forbid, you end up where your goal is and you find out that it's not at all what you wanted in the first place. It isn't what you imagined or hoped. I don't ever want to end up in that place. But worst of all I don't want to be in the place where I did nothing. Where I saw an opportunity and I was afraid to take it.

I need to know that I am free to make my own decisions and have someone support me no matter what ends up happening. I need someone who will help me without looking for the opportunity to say I told you so. I need to know that I can be free to express my dreams without hearing all of the cons. Sometimes I need to figure things out on my own. On my own times. With my own failures. While having my heart on the floor and being broken over it. But I don't want to feel that I am having my life planned for me with the guise that my supporters are secretly guiding me along.

I fear that I have no independence. That I come and go in a maze. So long as the paths are laid out for me I can go as I please. So long as I adhere to the rules and guidelines of life I can pretend that the world is my oyster all the while I am actually in a long line to a chopping block. Still, at the same time I wouldn't mind knowing what my life is going to be like. To see what would fulfill me and my desires.

The things I am passionate about: singing, helping others.

Things I like to do: sing, read, talk, pretend i'm fearless and invincible.

Things I need in life: safety, to be understood by someone on this earth, security, to feel like I mean something to someone, to feel like I am leaving behind something better than myself.

Things I want in life: financial stability, love, to start a family, a place I can truly call home.

On that note i'm going to close up today's entry with knowing that at least my desires have been let out into the world.

I am currently listening to an indie playlist of some sort of instrumental music. However I found one song today that I really enjoyed. I will link that here.

Otto Knows - Next To Me

April 5th 2016: The problem with learning (and other things)

I'm not sad.

I'm not mad.

I'm not unhappy.

I'm concerned. 

I'm concerned with my life choices. I haven't made bad ones, not really. I just think that I've made some useless ones. And in a way, those are worse than bad ones. At least bad ones might have a purpose. Useless ones are safe choices that don't add or detract from my life. They just sit there, like oil on water. Not that learning is a bad thing, but using school as a shield to keep you from making decision until "after", in my opinion, is not beneficial. I understand the desire for a goal but school, college, university is not the end all be all of life goals. That goal is one of hopefully many goal you can achieve in your life. And for life, sometimes you don't have to reach all one goal to get to another. Sometimes goals can be bypassed if necessary. And right now, anyone who is reading this (if there are any readers) might completely disagree. But here's the thing, this is my blog. So this is my opinion, my current thought process. 

Anyways, cutting my rant short, I want to bypass the rest of college because I don't think it's beneficial to me right now. I want to live, not analyze living. Not plan my life, I want to experience it now. Not the crazy stuff, I don't want to go out and have lots of crazy sex or do drugs but I want to live on my own, experience the world through my own eyes, not the eyes that my parents, teachers, or society has given me. I want to come up with my own opinions and be proud of what I have done as a person. Part of that is why I want to have a good, flexible job that I can live around. Not focus on. I don't want my source of income to be my main life focus. I want my life to focus around creativity and until that becomes my primary financial source then I will need to be free. I feel that having my own clientele and massage "studio" will help me to do that. Meanwhile in another section of my life I will be focusing on music, writing, and expressing my feelings and gathering inspiration from my troubles, my desires, and my daily thoughts. I often have great tags that I think will make a great lyric but I hardly ever use them because I forget to write them down. Well not anymore. Never again will I not have a thought written down.

I find it funny that once you begin to write your thoughts out that you never can stop them. You just constantly want to be writing/typing to put everything down on paper as you think it out and before you know it you end up with super long run-on sentences and 12 pages of just musing to yourself. Then you have to contain yourself to write only what is relevant to your current thought process and that's the difficult thing. But in this forum since this blog is mainly for only me, and i suppose for whoever dares to dive in and give themselves a headache, I can write whatever I want, for as long as I want, and I will not be judged. Not to say that people won't have their opinions but rather I won't let them influence me.

That's all for now.

Here is what I am currently listening to. I'm writing a midterm paper on Le tombeau de Couperin by Maurice Ravel. 

It is quite lovely.

April 4th 2016: What am I doing?

I am at the end of my rope. Not in the sense that I have nowhere else to go or no means of providing for myself. No, I mean that I an done. 1,000% done with my current life trajectory. I want some sort of freedom to do something meaningful in my life. I am tired of medical restrictions and financial restrictions and societies expectations that I graduate college.

As a young girl I loved to study. I loved learning. Back then, it was learning for the desire of learning. Now it is something I do so that I can be seen as a regular member of society that can contribute something, even if it is just as a musician. But why, when music isn't even seen as practical these days?
I should be able to be the rebel that I am. I became a musician not to better myself, but others....and yet i'm trying to get a degree for this so that I can be seen as a "professionally trained" musician. To be so-called "better" than most.

But no one cares about how much you were trained, not when they listen. They see you, and who you are aspiring to be, not what you've done to get to where you were. And there in lies my predicament. I want to be better, but I want to just be. I don't want to live up to any expectations but I also want to go beyond them. But that's my creative side.

My practical side is a different story. I want something profitable...which isn't music. Being honest with myself, I can say that I will probably never "make it" and become famous and make my living just writing songs and selling my music. I need a career that is lucrative, stable, and flexible. It sounds like I need to become a CEO or I need to have my own practice of some sort. I think Massage Therapy sounds like a good fit. See, in my mind, everyone needs a massage. And here I am living in Las Vegas which is the mecca for people wanting to get away and relax...or turn up, either way, i'm sure they're gonna need some R&R when they're done with that. I have always been good at giving massages and I think that I can about people's well-being enough to not let this become a chore but rather a ministry type thing.

I think my poor "romantic" mind is making me out to be some sort of saint or saviour to mankind but I think I am just trying to be nice. Meanwhile my pessimistic and realist minds are telling me to think of all of the creeps and gross people I will have to interact with and touch. I will do my best to compartmentalize for now.

But nevertheless, I will discuss that at a later time. For now I will sit here in Music History III and listen to music that I have not interest in whatsoever, if only for the sake of a good grade.

Wanna hear what I've been dealing with for this semester. I can almost guarantee you're not gonna like it but go right ahead with your bad self.

Come Out (original) - Steve Reich

And this one that is not actually that bad. I can probably be productive with this in the background....maybe...

Music For 18 Musicians - Steve Reich