I am at the end of my rope. Not in the sense that I have nowhere else to go or no means of providing for myself. No, I mean that I an done. 1,000% done with my current life trajectory. I want some sort of freedom to do something meaningful in my life. I am tired of medical restrictions and financial restrictions and societies expectations that I graduate college.
As a young girl I loved to study. I loved learning. Back then, it was learning for the desire of learning. Now it is something I do so that I can be seen as a regular member of society that can contribute something, even if it is just as a musician. But why, when music isn't even seen as practical these days?
I should be able to be the rebel that I am. I became a musician not to better myself, but others....and yet i'm trying to get a degree for this so that I can be seen as a "professionally trained" musician. To be so-called "better" than most.
But no one cares about how much you were trained, not when they listen. They see you, and who you are aspiring to be, not what you've done to get to where you were. And there in lies my predicament. I want to be better, but I want to just be. I don't want to live up to any expectations but I also want to go beyond them. But that's my creative side.
My practical side is a different story. I want something profitable...which isn't music. Being honest with myself, I can say that I will probably never "make it" and become famous and make my living just writing songs and selling my music. I need a career that is lucrative, stable, and flexible. It sounds like I need to become a CEO or I need to have my own practice of some sort. I think Massage Therapy sounds like a good fit. See, in my mind, everyone needs a massage. And here I am living in Las Vegas which is the mecca for people wanting to get away and relax...or turn up, either way, i'm sure they're gonna need some R&R when they're done with that. I have always been good at giving massages and I think that I can about people's well-being enough to not let this become a chore but rather a ministry type thing.
I think my poor "romantic" mind is making me out to be some sort of saint or saviour to mankind but I think I am just trying to be nice. Meanwhile my pessimistic and realist minds are telling me to think of all of the creeps and gross people I will have to interact with and touch. I will do my best to compartmentalize for now.
But nevertheless, I will discuss that at a later time. For now I will sit here in Music History III and listen to music that I have not interest in whatsoever, if only for the sake of a good grade.
Wanna hear what I've been dealing with for this semester. I can almost guarantee you're not gonna like it but go right ahead with your bad self.
Come Out (original) - Steve Reich
And this one that is not actually that bad. I can probably be productive with this in the background....maybe...
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