Is there a reason that I think about my death so often? Not in the macabre way that I am going to kill myself or I want to die but simply in the way that is resigned to the possibility that it could happen at any moment in time. I could be walking and trip and then suddenly be death and in heaven. I could be driving home, to work, to the doctor's office. If the Lord wanted to he could kill me while i'm taking my morning dump. What I'm saying is that I don't see the point of stressing so much over a finite life. Why not do the things you want and pursue your passions. If they are within your means then why not make those sacrifices and do them. No one ever said that impulsivity was a bad thing. Sure, it can lead you down some more interesting paths and sometimes you might find yourself in trouble but it doesn't always mean that it will ruin your life.
Sometimes being too cautious can be your downfall. You are so set on your plan and you don't want to stray from it that by the time you get to point B you see all of what could have been along the way. And what if, God forbid, you end up where your goal is and you find out that it's not at all what you wanted in the first place. It isn't what you imagined or hoped. I don't ever want to end up in that place. But worst of all I don't want to be in the place where I did nothing. Where I saw an opportunity and I was afraid to take it.
I need to know that I am free to make my own decisions and have someone support me no matter what ends up happening. I need someone who will help me without looking for the opportunity to say I told you so. I need to know that I can be free to express my dreams without hearing all of the cons. Sometimes I need to figure things out on my own. On my own times. With my own failures. While having my heart on the floor and being broken over it. But I don't want to feel that I am having my life planned for me with the guise that my supporters are secretly guiding me along.
I fear that I have no independence. That I come and go in a maze. So long as the paths are laid out for me I can go as I please. So long as I adhere to the rules and guidelines of life I can pretend that the world is my oyster all the while I am actually in a long line to a chopping block. Still, at the same time I wouldn't mind knowing what my life is going to be like. To see what would fulfill me and my desires.
The things I am passionate about: singing, helping others.
Things I like to do: sing, read, talk, pretend i'm fearless and invincible.
Things I need in life: safety, to be understood by someone on this earth, security, to feel like I mean something to someone, to feel like I am leaving behind something better than myself.
Things I want in life: financial stability, love, to start a family, a place I can truly call home.
On that note i'm going to close up today's entry with knowing that at least my desires have been let out into the world.
I am currently listening to an indie playlist of some sort of instrumental music. However I found one song today that I really enjoyed. I will link that here.
Otto Knows - Next To Me
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